She holds her head notably high to the point where everyone else seemed incredibly irrelevant being next to her. Gazes followed as if it was meant to be like she was a magnet. She wasn’t too tall, simply average, but there was simply something that shined in her smile, like a hidden secret slept between her teeth, and the way her deep dark brown eyes wandered as if there was somewhere to go.
Her voice could carry a thousand men, her laughter was like thunder in a place which held storms frequently; beautiful and unappreciated. She deserves more. When she talks, it’s like calming rain drizzling on people’s ears. Some people love the rain, they cherish the feeling, and some don’t. Her words are like waterfalls that fell upon every conversation that settled into a river.
She’s thought provoking, and people were a tad uncomfortable with it. Like the deep depths of the ocean, she’d wear black, all the time, every day, or she’d rarely wear color, but her personality was so colorful that it made up for it.
I had always tried to be an interesting person, but whenever I did, I lacked the capability. I tried my best to keep her around because I wanted excitement in my life. She made me feel important, like I’m someone that could change the world simply by existing. I secretly hoped by keeping her with me; having our shoulders brush, every so often, the smile in her eyes when times are hard, or the reading the words along her skin, I’d become more like her. I could become mysterious, deep, confusing and completely real.
One day, we were sitting outside on a clear Autumn evening, the leaves and sky were competing with her emotions, the vivid colors screaming for attention, and I almost got upset the sun was trying to hide. It made her feel like she could do anything if she set her mind to it, so she slowly looked up and asked, “Who do you want to become?”
I sat there, staring at the movement in the air, in the sky, in her body and explained the deepest parts of myself, all of this because she asked. I decided to pour everything about myself out and completely undress my soul.
I tucked my hair behind my ear, folded my hands together, and looked up at the leaves falling from the trees, watching them shiver as the cold snapped at them like wild dogs. It’s a wonderous thing to shine like the sun with no remorse as if there isn’t a black hole swallowing someone from the inside. My question was answered.
She told me, “What’s exciting is to exist, just to be, here.” And it truly is. With all the tornadoes and torment in the world, there’s nothing more exciting than to watch the sunset someone you can share everything with, and that’s yourself.
She is me.
I’ve accepted my confusion and uncertainty, and all of the people within myself. My life would have turned out completely different if I hadn’t, and even today I’m still trying to find myself—bits and pieces and fragmented and shapeshifting parts of who I am and what I’m here to do. And that’s one thing I’m hopelessly and unapologetically committed to doing more than anything else. Discovering myself.