There’s meaning behind feeling.
I crave the emotion of others, as well as myself. What I mean by this is that I crave experiences, like most people. I want to explore the minds of others. I want to have a signature written on my brain after meeting each person; as if each human that touches my skin, that makes brief eye contact, stamps a passport along my head.
It’s not that I’m afraid of being lonely, it’s just that sometimes when I don’t think too much my skin tends to tremble and my body feels hollow. There’s just so much going on and I want it all, I want it all.
I’m selfish when It comes to these things.
And there are these paths that lead everywhere; spreading around like branches of an old tree that extend throughout this empty land that hides feelings like water in a desert. I become paralyzed because I never know how things are going to work out. I become blinded by my desires because it’s as if my choices grow conscious and throw sand into my eyes when all I want is to see.
I always reassure myself when those non-supportive days use all their might to harden my heart. Their efforts aren’t wasted in a way though, simply because what is a day without difficulty? In other words, what is life without living? There’s really no such thing as something being negative, there’s truly only learning and being. Like I’ve said before, I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I think everything is random at all times. What truly matters in life is what you have to offer to yourself and the world around you; it’s whether you take that step and fall into the abyss or choose to float.
Either way, depending on your point of view all outcomes will be different.
My point is, It’s exciting to be uncomfortable; to hurt and to feel. To cry for hours until your bones ache and your chest feels as if it’s been hammered in, and to laugh until your body is soaring but you look around and you’re still on the ground.
Get curious about what the world has to offer, expand your mind and creativity. You may bump into versions of your old self along the way, periodically you’ll come across flesh-eating monsters who try to do you harm. But what you don’t know is that you can’t run away from them. Carry a blow torch along with you for the ride, or maybe a briefcase full of knives, whatever makes you feel safer. Just know what wherever you’re transported, they’ll always be there for the ride. Prepare yourself for what’s to come.
Sometimes there’s patterns, sometimes things become disoriented and scattered in random directions, or sometimes things and ideas hide right behind your eyes. This is okay, this is fine, because how boring would it be if you got what you expected at all times?
Throughout the twenty short years of my life, I’ve noticed that humans have these secrets they love to keep to themselves. I look at them in a new light as of now. I watch as they try their best to fit in, to stand out, or distance themselves and I become curious of their motives, limits, weaknesses—and I see that there’s this walking, talking world within every single one of these organic beings. These shitty, beautiful creatures that hide so much filth, guilt, regret are so raw and lovely at the same time.
A mouth that is motionless and mute could harbor bold thoughts that refuse to be said.
Fears and regret claw and bash against unresponsive doors of the clouded mind.
Hope extends from each ligament as an arm is extended inch by inch towards a stranger.
One harmless encounter could create an earthquake, the kiss of a butterfly or the miss of a bullet. Feelings creep through the darkness; they find shelter in gutters and hide in plain sight.
Occasionally instead of taking steps, I leap right into action, and dive straight into an ocean. At times it’s as cold as ice and my body becomes numb, sometimes it’s boiling and I can feel my flesh remove from my bones, fizzing and popping until I become nothing, and this will happen over and over again and I swear I’m not a masochist, I just crave feeling, because It’s worth it when I time it just right and I get to float in peace, feeling my chest rise and fall and know that I’m alive.
Entire outfit from Zara
Photography by Brooily