For a long time, i’d lay in silence, staring into the dark waiting for – something. I’d wonder, would my life always be like this? Would my thoughts be clouded with, “what if”s? and “what will happen next”?
Would my life turn, in an instant, from storm to sunshine? From pandemonium, to peace and tranquility in the blink of an eye. What’s to be expected?
It’s interesting, because i wish to be independent, yet sometimes, i still feel like a small child who can’t do things by herself, someone who’s constantly searching for something, something to fill myself to the brim. Searching for people who will sprinkle thoughts and ideas in my direction, who will whisper hints on how to live.
I always end up searching for the source of why my feelings tend to change so quick, or why i become so attached to ideas that slip away like sand through my fingers. I feel like the answer to this is because of my craving for new things, new experiences and at the same time, the longing for something to stay.
Perhaps i’m being foolish, thinking of such things. Wishing for concepts one would only acquire from movies with improbable events and ideas. I often ask myself why i fall in love with complex language, when i could settle for small remarks.
But then i remember, i’m bigger than that. I’m not just a pretty face. I’m an ever-growing and expanding ocean of positive emotion that’s constantly changing in ways no one could ever fathom. I can tell myself this because i choose to make the conscious decision to do so.
I used to think that it’s okay to block yourself and people around you out. That it’s normal to become as cold as ice, but it’s not. And it never will be. Now, I think it’s okay to be uncertain, to never know what’s right around the corner, or even many miles away. That’s truly the beauty of life. Everything is a lesson; people, places, memories. All of it. Just become open and inviting, and the world will give you everything you need.