There are days where my hands become incapable of working, where i don’t want to move, where i want the world to cave in under me and swallow me whole, where my body feels as cold as ice and my blood feels like poison. I used to feel like a new person every year, but now, i get that feeling every night.
Like most people, i’m at a weird point in my life where everything is going amazing, yet dreadful at the same time. 2016 has been a wild ride so far for a lot of people, and the ride isn’t over yet. As the year is coming to a close, i wanted to put a few thoughts on self-care and self-love out there, at least give out my own experience.
To be blunt, hurting yourself is exhausting. It’s absolutely horrible for your body, soul and mind. I’ve been in a constant loop of telling myself everything is alright while everything is in shambles, forcing myself to look at the positives and shake off whats been eating me from the inside-out.
When you think of self-care, you think of warm bubble baths, shopping sprees, or a fresh salad, but it goes so much more deeper than that. It involves being painfully honest with yourself. It’s brutal and agonizing but it’s incredibly necessary. Getting the help you need, communicating with family, friends, and/or loved ones about your problems is essential. You should never have to go through anything alone, wether you believe it or not, there will always be someone there for you. (And if you feel like there isn’t, feel free to message me whenever and i’ll be more than happy to help)
I’d find myself projecting a false image of who i thought i was, who i’ve been telling myself i am, but there are still several steps i have to take to get to that point. People expect getting help relieving, but in reality, it’s frightening and discomforting. You have no idea how people will act afterwards, if they may treat you differently in anyway. Change is hard, but it’s necessary, no matter what the outcome.
Something incredibly important that people tend to ignore, is the idea that when you’ve been hurt, torn down and completely ripped apart, it’s not okay to do the same thing to others. It’s important to take care of your relationships and friendships, and show nothing but love and support to the people who help you out, no matter how big or small.
But even saying this, i feel like a walking paradox, an oxymoron, almost. Because after doing research, i’ve realized i’m an emotional masochist, obsessing over see-saws of emotion and little details that shouldn’t matter. I’d find myself becoming this fluid process of changing traits when my mind felt like it. It was draining, and still is. Ever since i could remember, i’ve always craved feeling, emotion and experiences. I’d jump into something with eyes wide open, not thinking twice. And i’d fall in love quickly, and fall out quicker. Yet keep little bits of them inside of me, just for same keeping. I’d latch on to people immediately and sprinkle my soul wherever i went. I’d leave little parts of me whenever i went, and onto people i’d come across. I’ve always been someone who found comfort in other people, but recently starting this year i’ve been trying oh so hard to fall in love with myself, finding peace within art and writing.
And it’s easy to tell yourself, “i’m going to work out, i’m going to write something beautiful, i’m going to paint something alluring”, but you aren’t prepared for the times where your body cannot function because you’re so mentally exhausted, where your fingers would rather be bending and breaking than feeling nothing at all, where you’d rather be using your skin as canvas.
Suffering isn’t simple. Self-love is hard to find, and no matter how positive i seem, there’s still lingering darkness after every glimmer of happiness that resides in my eyes.
And i think that goes for everyone.
Everyone feels hopeless at certain times of their life, and you simply learn to live with it. You learn to heal and build yourself through experiences and losses, and you come out completely different, you will never be the same. And in the end, regardless of all the pain and sadness, the long nights of fear of failure, the “I don’t know”‘s and unfamiliarity, you know it’s alright, because you’re still here, you’re still pushing and no matter what anyone says, greater things are coming. No matter what you’re currently going through, there’s so much to look forward to.
A major part of my life has been spent trying to desensitize myself. I wanted to be wanted. But i realized I cannot be forced to change who I am just to become worthy to someone else. I am worthy of love. I have to tell myself this, not matter how hard it hurts. Not because people constantly tell me i am, but simply because I am here, I exist, and therefore I matter. My voice matters, my life matters, and my feelings matter. I will continue to use my voice no matter how much it bends and breaks, no matter how timid it becomes, I will fight to speak up. No matter how people react; if they get irritated or if they want to leave my life. That’s okay, because people come and go and it’s a natural thing. Some people aren’t meant to stay, some feelings aren’t meant to stay. I choose me, I choose self love, and i’m still learning this. But each step matters more than anything.
Photography by @Dizzycrane