FORGIVE

It’s been a while since i’ve free-wrote. It’s been a while since i’ve felt this way, it’s been a while since i’ve done the things i’ve done. But the good that comes out of it- being about to speak about it and spread knowledge.

This particular feeling of dread, of loneliness, and emptiness is truly draining. It’s sad to look at your life and feel empty- oh so empty, like you will never be capable of becoming greater than what you are right now. Feeling like you cannot pick up your feet and the world is pulling you deeper and deeper into the earth. I know this is a twist on what the positivity i usually speak about, but I feel the need to pour my mind out.

Life has its little ways of poking and prodding at you, or simply completely exploding. I feel as if every step i take, my heart sinks. I’ve mentioned it before, but, like many people, I have a love for people watching. Walking in public places and watching people go on with their day is exhilarating. Thinking about what their lives are like, what they go through and their deepest thoughts and desires are makes my blood rush. But recently, i’ve been craving alone time. Because of this, i’ve isolated myself in many cases. Very recently, i’ve felt at home listening to the quiet air surrounding me and the wind gently holding my skin.

It isn’t an unpleasant thing, being alone. It’s what you make of it that gives it that definition.

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For a while now, i’ve been spreading ideas of love and positivity. Scattering thoughts of how we should always be kind to ourselves, that self love is the most important thing in the world, and it is. But, what i don’t always talk about, is how difficult it is. How completely, utterly grueling it is to some people, including myself sometimes.

What i can say right now, is that i’m at a point of my life where i’m stuck.

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I’m stuck and i’m not entirely sure where i’m going. I thoroughly believe in the idea that everything is random, and nothing happens for a reason. There are no signs, there’s no clues and there’s no help anywhere around me. There only person that can help me is myself. Now, i don’t mean this with a negative connotation. Only i can choose to let people in, only i can make the decision to believe in people and ideas.

Everything that’s wrong with me is internal, because whenever there are negative circumstances in our lives, the only way of getting around them is what you choose to do a that moment. But at this moment, i find myself becoming smaller and smaller. My body aches, my skin is screaming and the word, “stop” seems to keep repeating in my head. As an artist, i find myself comparing my work to others and feeling miserable about my pieces, feeling as if i’m not good enough, like i’m not going to go anywhere. I find myself stopping in the middle of a story and i don’t know how to continue. It’s almost as if i can feel the words taunting me, making fun of me. I can see them dancing across the page and crawling under my nails, i swear.

In the past, i was a very sad individual. I learned how to mask it and become someone else in front of other people. I wouldn’t smile in front of my family, i avoided the things i enjoyed and i was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. Horrible mood swings kept me up at night and ruined my social life and my eyes hurt from crying most of the day. I hurt myself, a lot. Emotionally and physically to the point where my scars won’t ever go away. I felt i had no purpose, no reason for living. But what’s really troublesome, which i wanted to talk more about, is how common this is. Maybe not the illness, but the feelings of sadness, the acts of self mutilation, the emptiness.

A lot of people don’t know what they’re doing with their lives, they are stuck and are in the same predicament that I was in, and currently am in right now. I will say this quick and short- i’m hurting, and that’s okay. What i pride myself as of today about, is the fact that i can talk about it and get help before it gets worse. Previously, I let my fears and sorrow consume myself and cloud my mind, today I know things will get better, eventually. This is something i have to force myself get through because the world keeps turning, the days, as well as people, come and go and time stops for no one.

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There has been someone i recently met that has been going through similar problems, not with themselves, but with others, and looking at their problems made me think about my past. I remember sitting in my room writing about how i wanted more experiences, how i wanted to have my heart broken, to get in a fight, to understand things clearer.  And now that i’ve experienced these, somehow they don’t make a difference. It was inevitable. With how i act and how i speak, these things were bound to happen. We are all constantly growing, changing, and evolving. We crave things and people. We want more than what we have, no matter what we tell people. What i’m trying to say, is that this person has impacted my life greatly, with the short amount of time knowing them, and has done it at a remarkable low point of it. Because of this, i’m always going to remember them. Isn’t it funny how life works?

How life can make you feel miserable and alone, yet feel so attached to someone you’ve just met? How you can feel so incredibly troubled, yet know in the back of your mind that you’re alright? How if you simply tell yourself that you’re a happy, positive person, you will become that? But sadly, it’s not that simple.

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People will tell you to get over things, that everything is in your mind, which is correct. But no matter how many people tell you this, the only person who can ignite this change is yourself. You have to be the person to pick yourself up and tell yourself that everything will be alright, you have to open your doors and let people in, you have to forgive yourself. I feel the most important lesson i’ve learned through my short existence (i haven’t even hit my twenties yet) is that it’s okay to feel down. No matter how many times i’ve told you guys that you have to be positive, you’re going to go through times where you have no choice but to feel upset, and that’s okay. It’s unhealthy to rid of certain emotions and even worse to become emotionless. Just be sure to pick yourself up in the end and keep going, no matter how hard things get. Even if your words clog your throat, and you want to tear your skin apart, put yourself together and know that everything will be alright.

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Here’s a quick list of a few things i try to do when i’m feeling down which almost always make me feel better:

  1. meditate, do yoga, work out

  2. take a long cold shower or bath

  3. go outside and get lost looking at the sky

  4. paint or write down my feelings (like right now)

  5. cry. yes, once i’m done i feel a little better.

  6. get lost somewhere new, it doesn’t have to be far, it could be a town over or somewhere in the building you work at you haven’t explored yet

It’s also nice to inspire yourself noting all of the positive things you have accomplished so far in your life. Or to make a list of things you have to do and plan your schedule ahead of time, i feel horrible when i forget things i had to do or leave things at home. No matter what people say, it’s smart to write things down. Bring a note pad or make notes on your phone.

Most of all, just breathe through all of the chaos. Stay breathing.

Photography by @Dizzycrane
Outfit from Zara

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